Today, I am feeling blue.... not upset, not angry, just blue. Last night the lecture was on forgiveness. The man giving the lecture was great and he gave us a lot of good info on how to forgive our self and others. When we went into the lounge to see a movie about forgiveness and talk a little more, I realized I was mad at God. My life has been blessed by so many wonderful angels on earth but for some reason my life has not been so hot. I had blamed God for all the abuse that was heaped on me when I was a child which molded me to this person that is addictive, vindictive, people pleasing and often a doormat for others feelings. I am looking into learning how to please myself, forgive myself and to live a life that I was meant to live not what I thought I would do.
My relationship with God has often been estranged. When I stubbed my toe, I blamed God, when I fell I yelled at God "why me." When I lost my job, I had some choice words to my employer but God was also in the mix. I think God is easier to blame and I can't see Him so I feel safe to explode to God instead of the people or myself who I am really upset with. Forgiving myself for being mad at God is hard, but as the lecturer stated that might be the most important thing I could do.
Tonight is part two of the lecture so we shall see what happens. On the lighter side we are going on a picnic today and a hike which should be fun! I will let you all know the out come.